Jazzed Up.

Okay so since the Olympics are over I honestly dont know what do to with my hands.
In all honesty its probably a good thing that the olympics are over, those male swimmers bodies got me hot and bothered.

 You obviously see why.

So, summer is coming to an abrupt halt and its almost school time. 

So.Freaking.Excited. I love SWOSU where the focus is me. This summer has been on the lame side, I need my party people to return and tear this nice wholesome town up with me. However, im not really looking forward to having to deal with parking and pedestrians. Parking sucks. So do pedestrians. Swosu tip, if you are a pedestrian, walk fast. 

Now that we have that problem out of the way, a few things have been on my mind lately. To name a few: Domestic cats, Dolly Parton, Possible poison ivy on my forehead, Drinking at work should be allowed and also that a head butt never ever turns out good for anyone. 

So cat pictures crack my shit up. Like, i out of control laugh they are so freaking funny.

I hate touching them or being around them, but I love laughing at pictures of them. Makes zero sense...i know. Shut up. Okay, they really are baby lions though. I was running at Sand Plum last week...where, the possible poison Ivy came from. We'll get to that. Anyways, Im running and I see this little feline perched out waiting to pounce..scared me real good but I tried to catch it to have a Penthouse pet but then it ran.

Speaking of Penthouse Pets.

You all are familiar with my roomie Kaity Beaty.

 Kaity 'I can drink a 30 pack of coors by myself' Beaty. 

ha. I love this girl. She keeps my life exciting to say the least! 

Okay well last night I get home and nobody was there so I hopped in my bedhole and dominated an 8 hour nap. I wake up, walk into the living room....Tanner is asleep on the couch (Which is normal) but there is a rat...okay, a small ugly dog on Tanners legs asleep. I was very much confused. We do not own a dog. So, I woke Tanner up. Asked what the F was going on. Then he told me kaity met some rando and asked to keep his dog over night.

Pause.

She met a random dude. Which he had a pretty girly dog for having the title of a "man" any who, to each their own. She meets this guy, convinces him to let the dog spend the night in the Penthouse. The guy says....Sure. and boom we have a dog sleeping over.

The most ridiculous things happen at my apartment.

God Bless America. and The Penthouse.

Its about to get random up in here.

If I had to pick a random celebrity guest to be on my beer pong team it would hands down be none other than Betty White. I bet home girl can trick shot like a champion.

So monday I had to go to the Doctor, theres a lump in my side its pretty sick it feels like there is a bouncy ball just chillin in my side. But anyways its just a fatty tumor. Apparently everyone has them and they don't realize it. I was really hoping I would have to have surgery, just so I could get some solid anesthesia in me and then be ridiculously stupid after the surgery. Have someone record it. BOOM. YouTube sensation. That really is my life goal to become a YouTube sensation. Anywaysss, I am heathy....but have a fatty tumor. Whatever.

Anyways, my and my Doctor are buddies. She is a real rascal. I told her my mother was reading 50 Shades of Grey and she was too old to be getting aroused by graphic novels. So, Doc is gonna call Dawn and tell her to take it easy. She isnt as young and hormonal as she once was. Thank God.

Speaking of 50 shades, Lucy Hale is in the running to be Anastasia Steele. Yes please.

Radio News: Well, theres this punk ass who calls in 5 times every day during the request show. He uses different names. Every. Time. It really drives me nuts I mean we are a small market radio station just use your own name JAMES. I am going to start recording them and then play it for the 5:30 funnies. Joke is on you point dexter. Then the other day I didnt realize the mic was on....I started singing another one bites the dust. It was great.

Penthouse News: Well, Kaitlin and Chief Tattle Tale (AKA Old indian that lives below us) have been getting into it. Back in December running buffalo asked us to do his laundry for him....yeah, old man panties are just what I want to be touching. NOT. So, naturally we said no. Well, I said no. Kaity said MF'er there is no MFing way in hell that will happen! Its hostile to say the least. He is now proceeding to call the land lords and tattle on us. Listen ya old ass, you are living in college apartments. Not the nursing home. Get out of here smelly!



I also promised Taylor Hancock, my step sister that I would give her a paragraph in this blog. If you are not friends with Taylor your missing out. Well anyways, Taylor happens to be the proud parent of the cutest baby in the world. Miss Ava Kate Hancock. Ava loves me so much. Her 3rd day on earth I gave her some firecrackers and pop rocks....her 365th day on earth I gave her Roman Candles. Im basically the greatest step aunt ever.

She works out. 

One time Taylor punched me in the face. It was awesome. 

Thats a lie, I kicked her ass all through high school. Made her cry. She called me her sensai. 

Alright I gotta get back to work now. Gotta head on over to the ol Hydro Free Fair to broadcast and eat fried food that will make me a fat as sh*t squirrel. Get some.  

Ill leave you with Miley Cyrus/Draco Malfoy triangle. 

Captains Log. August 9, 2012.

We've came a long way.

USA > China. No matter what.  

We in the car, we ridin slow. We doing things that them girls dont do. 

So, some things going on lately in the wonderful life of Rachel The Jet Smith. Well, I have turned over a new social media leaf. From going public with my Twitter, to deactivating my facebook. Its been a bumpy ride. Haha, I honestly dont know whats going on in so many peoples lives right now....like who recently checked into the gym? Who just went from being single to "its complicated"? Who posted a mirror pic? Who wants ToBeHonest by liking a status? Who wants to talk sh*t on Chicken Fil A.... oh I miss it. However, it has been refreshing having a break. But it was decided today that I will activate it the night before class starts....so the 21st of August cause lets face it, what would I do in the JLab without Facebook? Get real. 

Enough of that nonsense, lets talk important shi. 

Like, Olympics. The hot AF weather. Me being single. And last but not least, the constant amount of suck in country music these days. 

LETS TALK OLYMPICS. 

AS OF RIGHT NOW WE HAVE A 10 MEDAL LEAD ON CHINA. 

Whatup. 

USA>China. 

Swimming 

Michael Phelps is an Olympic God. 

Ryan Lochte is a sweet sweet sex kitten.

Missy Franklin is 17 and has accomplished more than I will in my entire life. I want to be her bestfriend. 

If you havent watched the Call Me Maybe video the USA swim team did. watch it, meow.

Gymnastics

Gabby Douglas is amazing. Her mom filed bankruptcy earlier in the year and was working 3 jobs to get her through gymnastics, now Gabby just signed a multi-million dolla contract with Kellogs. So, another amazing story about following your dreams and having faith in God. So happy for her! Now, let me go enjoy the 12 boxes of Corn Flakes I bought....

And, also Jordyn Weiber is a champion I like her a lot. i feel bad for her not getting to compete in the all around...(Thanks a heap for that BS rule Russia)  but ya know, home girl has a gold medal around her neck yeah she shed a few tears but I would piss my pants to have a team gold medal! Thats the bees knees. Dry those eyes Jordyn, you now have over 12K twitter followers. Thats something to be proud of!

Lets not forget the MVPs of the Olympics, yes Most Valuable Parents....todays award goes to none other that the awkward as hell parents of Ally Reisman. 

hahahaha. Cracks me up. Are they on a rollercoaster? Weirdies.

Now, briefly lets talk Mens Gymnastics. 

I dont understand where their wieners go. Tucked? Has to be. 

2) I dont like the fairy dances they do.....too much gayness. 

However the mens gymnastics were totally worth watching because of one fella -who one of my twitter followers brought it to my attention looks like Kip from Napolean Dynamite- ACCURATE....a fella who has to be a porn star that still lives with his mom and dad. 

See what I mean? He's gotta have some fuggged up hobbies.

Now, Now lets travel to JAMAICA. 

USAIN BOLT...

is a freak of nature. He is amazing. If I could run that fast I would chase cheetahs in my free time or something equally ridiculous. Those Jamaicans can run. Bravo. I dont mind a Jamaican beating the USA I only mind China beating the USA. That shit will never be okay. And his last name is Bolt. Freaking come on thats awesome, if i ever named my kid something amazing it would come out a little nerd child that only wants to read Harry Potter and eat lunchables in his underwear. Like, that would be my luck. Anyways, with a last name like Bolt, I am glad he fufilled his name. Also, hes quite the jokester, I respect that. Everyone is talking noise about him being cocky...okay, well when you can run a 200 in 19 please, please show my how humble you are. 

Also I think I want to win a gold medal, not just for the endorsements which would be pretty kick ass. But I want to win a gold medal so I can get some shout outs from celebrities on Twitter. Gabby Douglas has got tweets from Lil Wayne, Nicki, Octavia Spencer,Pitbull, Ashton Kutcher, Raven Symone, Mike Vick, Bieber, and Selena Gomez....just to name drop a few.

So i've got 4 years to become the very best at something and win gold at it....Archery...its gotta be Archery. Ill go straight Pocahontas on those fools.

Moving on....

SPEAKING OF THE HOT AS HELL TEMPERATURES. 

This summer has been a real steamy puppy, and I am very thankful I am not working at Belle Mere Farm this summer instead im sitting in the AC jamming to some terrible country music that brings me to our next topic.....

Why oh why does country music suck these days? I mean anything Toby Keith puts out is gonna be trashy and related to beer. Tim McGraws new song the opening lyric is "Lil wayne bompin on my ipod." Okay, 1) Tim please name me 4 Wayne songs. Please. 2) Never say bompin, that just makes it certain you are way to old to be trying to produce pop country. I mean we get it, you are really meaning F yeah instead of Truck Yeah, brilliant play on words genius. Stick to your guns, get back to Johnnys dad takin him fishin...when he was 8 years old. 

And not hating at all on Little Big Towns new song Pontoon....but I still chuckle every time it says mmmmm motor boatin. haha. Man even writing that I laughed. I. Am. Immature.

I just bit my lip, turns out its swollen. 

Weird, the other day I got asked out by a guy calling in to request a song on the request show. Gutsy. Yet, setting himself up for rejection...which I gladly gave him....then I didnt play his song....come on like im ever going to play Fish by Craig Campbell after you just tried to get a piece of this native tail. Getouttahere. 

Thats basically it, I live a dull life. Get at me brah. 

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy....so heres my number....call me maybe? 

-@rrachelsmithh

Disclaimer: I do not hate Chinese people in general. Just the country. Every 4 years. Making that crystal clear. This is America. We are the best, not China. China makes our medals. They dont wear them. 

Yeah I realize how racist I sound. Get off my blog. 

Oooooo basketball wives iss on!

BLOG CITY BITCH.


Hello blog people. I hope you are doing fan freaking tastic this today! If not, this blog will change your day. Bet. It will help if while reading this blog you play the song Booty Wurk by T-Pain in the background. It makes it better I swear. 


Blog Time. Starts in 3....2....1...Action.


Lets start off with my pride and joy, Lynard and Skynard. and the new beauty Beyonce that is the new addition to the penthouse aquarium. They are the greatest fish in the world. Except we had a bit of a mishap...Skynard knocked up Lynard and Beyonce watched. Off putting I know. My poor Lynard is a girl who got fish penetrated by Skynard. Sick sons of bitches. They are from texas though....so I understand...kinda. 


Last night I decided I was going to have a Ryan Gosling palooza. Sounds pretty sexual right? yeah. It wasnt at all. I rented the movie Drive and the Ides Of March. Drive was terrible. Dont watch it. And I havent watched The Ides Of March. I just dont think my attention span can handle it. It looks confusing so...I will just return the movies to the red box they came from. 

THUNDER TALK TIME!!!

Okay betches, you can all thank me for the recent awesomeness that has taking place in the thunder nation. How you ask? How did this happen? Well let me tell you. For valentines day I purchased my meme a nice nice expensive thunder watch from walmart. It had a picture of Kevin Durant on the face. Her excitement when she received this watch was outstanding, it made it very clear that I was still the favorite granddaughter. Which lets be honest. I never doubted it. But who would have thought my meme a white woman, would be rocking a black mans face on her wrist. SOUL POWER. Love it. God Bless. Anyways, i buy Betty the watch. The next night BOOM. 51 Muh Fuggin points from ol Kevin Durant. Its because of the watch. You. Are. Welcome. Tonight Kobe is going to be in the thunder dome....so hide your wife, hide ya under age girls..he'll be raping errrrbody!!!!




Now for the award Coolest Dog Of The Week. The winner goes to......

Yeah. This is the cockiest dog I have ever seen. 


You think other dogs know and make fun of him? Like, if this was a person it would be a person with a birthmark of a pecker on their face. That good. Not for the person. But for the rest of the world of course. 


I feel like this dog needs to have his own TV show. I just think he has to go through some hard times. <-- See what I did there? 


Once again, lets give it up for the Coolest Dog Of The Week! 


Slow clap: engage. 








Other things going on, I still hate school. I think I am just going to quit and become a pool shark. Or maybe ill join the circus. I watched Water For Elephants and it looked like quite the life. Riding on elephants. Wearing spandex. Sleeping with the sexy veterinarian. A girl can dream! 


Oh and this past week there has been some confusion on Facebook that I have seen. Dealing with the gene pool. I understand some people arent fortunate enough to get a good education or have morals. I get that. But it doesnt give you a right to claim things that dont really apply to you. Lets just do a quick over view of how things work. When a man and woman love eachother.....okay...they dont have to love eachother, hell they dont even have to like eachother. Anyways, they do the deed. They have a child. A child is born from these 2 individuals. If you are an on looker, and not one of these two people then there is a good chance the child did not get ANY of your traits as much as you want it to. I am so sorry to burst your bubble. Thats just how it works. Please, seek psychiatric help immediately if you are still confused. 


Good news, I just found my mini ipod. Yeah, lets just say my dance parties have been hella cray up in the penthouse today. 


Also, as all of you know I have a serious girl crush on Selena Gomez and an illegal crush on Justin Bieber. Anyways, Justin Bieber just signed this girl Carly Rae Jepsen to his label. So they made a music video to it that went viral immediately and also re stated the fact I need to be bestfriends with all of them. So...that needs to happen. But anyways the music video is below. Watch it. Its a good one. I warn you, the song will get stuck in your head. Its worth it though. Call me, maybe. 

Punk ass kids. I wanna be them. anyways, as stated earlier I found my old iPod...Eye Of The Tiger is playing right now. Im having one of those moments where I feel like my life is a movie and this is the background music. It happens all the time when this song plays and when Highway To The Danger Zone plays. Gets me going. Also since Eye Of The Tiger has came on I have been typing incredibly fast. 




Sidenote, Quarter Horse racehorse season starts next weekend!! Ahhhh so you can find me there next weekend and every weekend after that.


Special shout out to my biggest fan.....Brett Frantz! Yeahyeahyeah! If you dont know him, you should. The kid is cray cray. He once danced with an old woman named Nan. Nan was down to party, she was pushing 93 years old, but the old bitch could get down on the dance floor! Brett denies it but i am fairly certain they kissed on the mouth....twice! HASHTAG COUGARTOWN!!! Work work work. :) 


This iPod is taking me back. Currently playing: R Kelly-Im A Flirt. 


Pure Gold. 


Okay, its a gorgeous day outside. Time to go enjoy it. Ill blog at ya later. 


We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. Love, is a battlefield. 

Shirley Temple is a G.

Patron on ice.

This blog post is going to be a bit angry at first but dont worry towards the end it will get humorous Im hoping.

Alright, so Im pretty sure today was "Piss Rachel Elizabeth Smith off day." If you didnt get the memo, well the day isnt over. You have till midnight. Hurry up and piss me off. Im not one to get all hot and bothered about stupid shit. Mainly because I have a lot better things to do than get angry....I hear It gives you wrinkles. And I wanna be a dime piece when im 80. Like Betty white. You think she got so good looking by being angry? Nope. That bitch laughed....a lot. Thats why shes going to live forever.

Anyways, just a word of advise...If you are going to ask someone to take time out of their busy life and do you a favor in which you give them no instructions nor idea on how to accomplish this favor. Dont, I repeat DO NOT get bitchy about it when its not what you had in mind. Im sorry. People just piss me off, it mainly pisses me off when people act all fine to your face then go talk tons of shit behind your back....about something irrelevant! Ugh. Get a grip.

Rant. Over. If you read that whole spill up there ^ i applaud you..and slightly worry about how truly bored you must be reading my bloggity.

NOW ON TO THE GOODSTUFF!!!! My thoughts on the Supa Bowl. Thats right. From commericals to Madonna, back to commercials....then to Tom Brady and his nice hiney.


COMMERCIALS. My top 2. Here we go.

1) David Beck, I really feel like I dont have to go into great detail why I enjoy it so much. Hello sexual.

Now, apart from the pure sex of #1. My #2 commercial is gold as well.

Hahaha. Dog Commercials. I will laugh. All the time. 

Okay, now to my thoughts on a little thing I like to call....Madonna Palooza. Before you start bashing it. Let me give you my 2 cents....by 2 cents I of course mean, a nice Pros and Cons list involving pictures. Yes. 

 A) If you want to impress me. Add Nicki Minaj. Plain and simple, if its got Nicki in it. Im gonna love it. I think we can all agree, when Nicki came out on stage the super bowl got 10X better.

B) Its not a party unless LMFAO is there. They represent
everything
drunk and awesome.

 C) This tight roping cupid/jedi/spartan madman who looks an awful lot like Richard Simmons. Ipso facto, he kept my attention and very much entertained me. 

Hahah. and last but CERTAINLY not least. MIA flipping off America on National TV. Like, did the thought "Im on television right now, everyone is watching....Janet Jackson got into a heap of trouble when she showed her nipple off.....so....flipping everyone off will be alright." Classic. 

Idiot. 

Then she brought in Ceelo? How could you NOT love the Halftime show??? I think you all are just too opinionated. Once you go dance and sing in front of millions call me. Until then, shut up and enjoy the entertainment and thank God that you live in the greatest country in the world! 

 AMERICA!!!!!!

Now, Im going to leave you with my favorite video in the world. Laney Lawson. 

Word to yo mother. 

Thank you for your time. Ill be back bloggin soon. 

ASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASSASS

Are You High Right Now? Do You Ever Get Nervous?

Hey party people! I really am terrible at this blogging business. I know everytime I say that but truthfully it amazes me how terrible I am at it. every. single. time. 

Okay well things that have been going on in my life, I just got back from Ft Worth Texas. Me and my friend Hannah decided it would be freaking adorable if we surprised our boy toys in texas town. Which it was. Anyways, some things about Texas....now im not saying Oklahoma is superior by any means....which it is.....so that is actually exactly what im saying....anyways, riddle me this why do Texans have to prove their loyalty by getting an outline of Texas tatted somewhere on them? I mean yes, I get it. You love Texas. Good for you! But....I love America, but you arent ever going to see me getting USA tatted on my back. You just wont see it. Now, what I do when I get blackout drunk does not count. Because honestly I could see myself getting an american tatt.... Geez. Back to the topic at hand, I just dont get the texas tatt. When you are born in Texas do you get mind fucked and genuinely believe thats what you have to do when you get of age? Idk. Confuses me. It truly does. Oh and dont even get me started on the driving there....you know how when you are driving in the city or something and a Texas driver cuts you off causing you to cuss and flip them off? Well, I completely understand now. That is their way of surviving. Im telling you, its ride or die in Texas. Literally. So, I now have a deeper appreciation for Texas drivers. I will still flip one off though if ever given the opportunity. 

Now, to another topic. Carnivals. Why do we love them so much? The rides? The games? The food? The music? The carnys? Because after taking a step back and observing the carnival scene, its all just a big money guzzling bastard. Before you can debate with me, lets go into deeper thought on this step by step. 1) The rides. Okay you adrenaline junkies. I get that you love the feelings..being scared...yatta yatta yatta. But if you really think about it, it is a traveling carnival ran by ex cons and illegal immigrants. (Yeah, im profiling. Shut up) some people think of this sooner, but me being the quick thinker I am....waited until I was spinning upside down in a sketchy harnessed ride. Yeah. Flying through the air I realize it was a bad idea. But if you think about it, you never hear of carnival accidents. But I am fairly certain they happen every weekend. Those STATs are accurate. Moving on. 2) The Games? I played a game where I paid $5 to get a bucket of ping pong balls to make it into a cup and recieve a goldfish....I dont know if you are aware but Goldfish run about 18 cents a piece. Yeah. Anyways, I end up spending about $10 trying to win a damn fish. Not because I needed a fish, but because the bastard working the booth told me I couldnt. In hindsight, I applaud that chizzling bastard. He knew how to play me. Ipso Facto, I paid $10 for an 18 cent fish. Bargain! 3) The food? Why do we love it so much? We see what it is made in.....buckets and buckets of grease....but we will knock a bitch out if they cut in the line for a corn dog. Amazing. We are idiots. 

Rant. Over. 

New topic: Blake Griffin 

Okay, we all saw/heard/watched his ultimately badass dunk on Perkins. 

I am a Thunder Fan.....but damn Blake. That was fancy. And the fact that I think Perkins is a big ass baby didnt hurt either. However, If Blake would have dunked over Ibaka, I wouldve knocked an uh oh oreo nigga out. I love me some Ibaka. Yum. 

Okay, back to the focus. I understand that Blake had a badass dunk and yes we should fall at his feet in awe blah blah blah. But If you washington kids dont remember, 2006 State Finals boys highschool basketball when Washington Warriors plays OCS Saints (Blake Griffin)....well at one point in that game, Griffin did that SAME EXACT DUNK on Tanner Roberson....where was ESPN then huh? Where was the slowmo of Blake putting his balls on Tanners face? Eh? Eh? Where? 

I also just find joy in knowing that Blake Griffin was in the tiny gym in Washington Oklahoma. That makes my heart happy. At that time, everyone was going crazy over Blakes brother Taylor being at the gym....haha I bet those fools that got Taylors autograph feel straight up retarded now. Taylor who? Yeah. Good one. 

Other things going on, I still havent found anyone to taze yet. I have a legit tazer...but nobody to taze. So if you know anyone that could help me out just hit me up. 

Alright, now for the good shit. Basketball wives is on. 

Oh and something to end this ridiculous blog on, Kristen Bell and her Sloth melt down. Fantastic.